Putting Bluegrass to bed

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Can't resist

"I shoulda been born in the Bronx!"

Photo courtesy of Mountain Mama, taken during/after monumental collapse on Monday.

Lea in Louisville!

My niece came to visit! She and her parents decided to make the 5.5-hour drive to spend a weekend in the Ville for some NCAA tourney-watching and Lost-board-game-playing. We had boatloads of fun, though the cats were flummoxed.

The results of the tournament were dreadful. All the teams we cared about -- Louisville, Maryland (Paige's and my alma mater) and Virginia (Brian's alma mater) -- had a chance to win or force overtime in the final seconds and didn't.

It was unbelievable. Louisville trailed by one with seven seconds left and missed a three-pointer. Maryland missed a half-court heave that would have tied Butler at the buzzer. Virginia missed a clean look at a three-pointer to tie, also at the buzzer, and Brian had about two minutes to mourn before the family had to hit the road.

But like I said, still a great, relaxing weekend. And Holly gets back from spring break tonight, with stories of her friend's bachelorette extravaganza.

McSkeevy wants child support

I can't react to this with any more nuance than to simply ask, "Are you f---ing kidding me?"

I'm so irritated, I could sic a shark on a surfing attorney

From the king of unintentionally unfunny comes an unintentionally funny quote in a breathtakingly moronic diatribe:

"No offense to Alan Arkin, but he couldn't do what Eddie did in 'Norbit.' " -- Brian Robbins, director of Eddie Murphy in "Norbit"

In all fairness, Alan Arkin doesn't always pick his projects well -- he was in a Christmas thing Chazz Palmentieri made that had maybe the worst script in English-language history -- but Robbins' bitter slap at Arkin for beating Murphy in an Oscar contest the former had no role in deciding and (Robbins imagines) for being too good for a stellar project like Norbit is unbecoming even of a smarmy jerkwad. And the idea that somebody as rich and talented enough as Eddie Murphy would be willing to make such a STUPID, STUPID MOVIE like 'Norbit' is nothing less than the most frustrating thing I can think of at the moment.

But hey, Norbit made plenty of money because lots of people who don't mind not being challenged in the least went to go see it. I didn't see it, but I saw the previews, and the previews were stupid. So if the previews didn't do the film justice, then the filmmakers need to put together previews that are more representative of their work. (Full disclosure: I saw Beavis and Butthead Do America on opening night. I've got plenty of skeletons in my closet where this debate is concerned, so I point the finger at myself, too.)

So maybe this smarmy jerkwad Brian Robbins is right. Critics should accept America's low standards or admit that their own standards are too high. I won't even address the likelihood that if this pissant got a rave review for one of his craptastic mediocrilicious insults to comedy, he'd roll around in it like a pig in mud. Except for, y'know, addressing it in that way that I just did.

What bothers me the most (asked no one)? It's that these are the two possibilities:
1) Robbins is smart enough to know his films are crap, in which case he's a loathsome hypocrite;
OR
2) Robbins is dumb enough to think his films are good, in which case he's a rich moron in a country that runneth over with rich morons.

Where the hell is my anti-rant ointment? Lemme just dab it on the festering sore in my soul ... ahhhhhhhhhh. Anti-rantastic.

Goodnight!

"Attorney bitten by shark"

Well, here.

This bothers me, "Attorney bitten by shark." Ha ha, that's awesomely funny, an attorney's called a shark and he's bitten by a shark while surfing -- comedy gold. Have we decided where to draw the line marking how badly someone can be injured before we can't make a weak punny headline making fun of his profession?

And don't tell me they just added his profession for color, like they'd say he was a "Miniature-golf-course club pro bitten by shark while surfing."

I doubt if he was eaten, the headline would say, "Attorney eaten by shark." It would probably say, "Man eaten by shark."

What if he just got his entire arm ripped off? The man can still sue and object and all that other slimy lawyer stuff with one arm, can't he? I think we've got plenty of leeway to make fun of his job. Hur hur, maybe he'll sue the shark for damages, bwaha!

I used to be a pretty flip headline-writer, not taking anything into consideration other than whether or not a headline gave me a chuckle, but that was back in college. It pisses me off to see this amateur crap get put up on CNN.com, although with the mindboggling amount of coverage they've given Anna Nicole Smith, I'm less surprised than I otherwise would have been.

Departed!

Best director, best adapted screenplay and best picture! I'll go along with that. I ate that movie up, man.

The best picture was mildly surprising, but I honestly didn't see a favorite in that race. Every critic had a different front-runner.

Food hangover

That groaning sound you hear from hundreds of miles away is me.

Yesterday, I didn't eat anything until 6 p.m., then I had half a chicken, two cheeseburgers, eight Caribbean Jerk boneless wings and a burrito in an eight-hour span. I also had seven drinks, but with all the food I ate I'd have gotten more drunk gargling mouthwash for thirty seconds.

Hi Mom! Can you believe I'm already 27?