Steelers-Broncos: Observations from the couch, first half

2:55: First blood is drawn, not by a tackle in the game, but by my couch. I got up too fast to go to the bathroom and caught the back of my heel underneath it. No twist, but a little chunk taken out. A bleach-blond trumpeter honks an unorthodox national anthem on the field in Denver as hwong14 yells, "Boo! Artistic license!"
2:58: First beer is poured, a Yuengling. I only have one left, now. Maybe I'll save it to be the first beer of Derby weekend.
3:00: NFL great Deacon Jones squawks out a minute-long tease for CBS: "I never made it to the Super Bowl. Ain't that a (tackle noise meant to drown out the word 'bitch')?"
3:02: We're in the hands of Jim Nantz and Phil Simms now. Nantz is a pro, Simms just blathers.
3:04: Ben Roethlisberger has a good faux-Jake Plummer facial-hair scheme that he's grown this week. Also, replays of the sacks on Peyton Manning plaster a goofy smile on my face.
3:05: It's never just "the league" or "the NFL". It's always, ALWAYS, "the National Football League," said by color commentators with the same reverence as "the father, the son and the holy spirit." I can't explain how crazy this drives me.
3:06: Oh good, a Boost mobile commercial with Terrell Owens saying, "I've ma-toored." Ree-hee-heally?
3:07: Man, my post frequency is gonna fall quickly. Anyway, Bonnie Bernstein AND Armen Keteyian on the sidelines, but I wasn't looking at the screen when Bonnie came on. Is she wearing fur again?
3:08: Steelers kick off, short return by Denver. Let's see if Plummer has his head on straight.
3:11: Broncos make it to midfield. Graphic says they're 4-0 when hosting AFC title games.
3:12: Four runs, two passes and a scramble so far. Pretty standard Denver.
3:14: A punt to my man Antwaan Randle El, but a stupid fair catch. I hate fair catches. I'm pretty sure they didn't have fair catches in the XFL. Also, can we mike up ALL the players, like Vince McMahon did?
3:16: Roethlisberger starts with an 8-yard screen to Willie Parker. I like it.
3:17: 20-yard pass to Randle El! I guess I'm a big fan of WRs who used to be QBs.
3:18: Former Terp Domonique Foxworth on D for Denver. Three touches for Parker so far, none for the Bus. Worries about the cold air and his renewed taste for the fumble, perhaps?
3:19: Ridiculous play. Champ Bailey breaks up a pass to Hines Ward, it flies far up in the air, and Ward catches it. Bailey was trying for the pick and the touchdown, but it's a Steelers first down.
3:20: Willie Parker now has the taste for the fumble. Denver recovers, but it really looked like Parker was down. We'll see, when commercials end.
3:23: Officials are reviewing. Forearm and one leg look down when the ball comes out, but nothing else. I think Denver will keep the ball; no indisputable evidence.
3:24: Whoa! "The runner's forearm was down, in control of the football." Steelers regain the ball, third down. Hmm.
3:25: Low snap to Rothelsburger, but he wings a first-down pass to Nate Washington (who?) anyway. Ben's looking calm.
3:26: Why couldn't I have been named Ebenezer Ekuban? And when am I going to stop posting every single minute?
3:27: Not yet. And Steelers offensive coordinator Ken Whisenhunt looks way too much like Bill Cowher if Cowher trimmed his face.
3:28: They're trying a 47-yard field goal ... well, it's Denver air. And Jeff Reed takes advantage, making it with plenty of distance. 3-0, Pittsburgh. I wanna see Jason Elam hit a 65-yarder before he retires, is that too much to ask?
3:33: Jenna Elfman, back on TV? I'd like to be able to say she's a much better actor than Heather Graham, whose sitcom lasted one episode, but as anyone who knows me will tell you, I'm a terrible liar.
3:35: Plummer is pancaked and loses the ball; a Steeler crawls onto it. Pittsburgh is practically back in field-goal range.
3:36: Heath Miller catches a first-down pass and sucks in his limbs like a turtle before being crushed by two Broncos. Yeah, I think that's why I didn't play football.
3:37: The Bus gets nothing in his first carry, gets a couple in his second. He's wheezing pretty hard already, as the first quarter ends.
3:40: Tom Cavanagh and Leann Rimes as television love interests? How about another CSI instead?
3:41: Ooh, THAT's a touchdown. Ben lobs it to the back of the end zone, and Cedrick Wilson grabs it and slaps each foot down before falling out. Nice move. 10-0, Pittsburgh. In case it's not yet obvious, I am rooting for Pittsburgh. I like Ben, I like the Bus, I like Bill Cowher, I like Ward and Randle El, I even like Joey Porter and all his talking. And I'm still bitter at Mike Shanahan for platooning his running backs, making my draft pick of Mike Anderson less ingenious than it could have been.
3:44: Um, that could have been avoided. Jeff Reed's kickoff goes out of bounds. Dumb at home, very dumb on the road, very very dumb on the road in the playoffs when you've grabbed momentum with a 10-0 lead. Can Denver take advantage of getting the ball on its own 40 to start?
3:46: Troy Polamalu brings down Mike Anderson with a brilliant tackle after being bumped into the air by a blocker. Denver goes for it on fourth and 1 with Anderson again and gets it on Anderson's second effort. Way too much action too fast for a novice live-diary keeper! No time for wit!
3:48: Plummer's first-down pass deflected just past the line of scrimmage. Ashley Lelie knocked out of the game for one play.
3:49: 13-yard pass to Mike Anderson, who is the offensive alpha and omega right now.
3:50: Plummer hits TE Jeb Putzier in stride, getting to the 12. He's looking crisper, like lettuce before I accidentally leave it on a sandwich I microwave.
3:53: Dabney COLEMAN is in this Jenna Elfman monstrosity? It looks so unfunny I'm just about ready to submit this live diary as a sitcom pitch. They'll put anything on TV!
3:54: 4th and 3 near the 5 ... Denver goes for a 23-yarder. 10-3, Steelers. Impressive drive by Denver, they mixed the passes and runs well. Tatum Bell is a nonfactor and Mike Anderson is everything, and the painful memory of my close-but-no-cigar roto football season propels me into the kitchen for another beer.
3:58: Annnnd it's the other Yuengling. My will power is an example to the children.
3:59: Awesome. Dave Letterman: "Another celebrity pregancy. First Katie Holmes, then Angelina Jolie, now Gwyneth Paltrow. I'm exhausted."
4:00: A pass/fumble by Ben is ruled an incomplete pass under the Tuck Rule. Shanahan's face is ready to leap off of his skull.
4:05: Pittsburgh's running game is going nowhere, and their passes are going great. Weird. No gain by Parker, then an 18-yard pass to Wilson.
4:07: Hines Ward pulls in a third-down pass inside the 25. Pass, pass, pass. Denver's going to make Ben win this game, but he's looking like he's up for it. Parker = 6 rushes, 5 yards.
4:10: Randle El chases blocker Alan Faneca for another first down. Four minutes left in the half, and Pittsburgh is in control. I can barely hear the Denver crowd.
4:13: I didn't like the Donovan&Mrs. McNabb Campbell's Soup commercials to begin with, but when they were showing in the playoffs along with Eagles playoff games, I tolerated them. Now, they're all I see of the Eagles in the postseason, and they are infuriating.
4:14: Halfback go pass gives the Steelers their 345th first down of this drive, inside the 10. Two-minute warning. Can I make it to half without hitting the john? Ahh, playoff tension.
4:17: The Bus is in the game, and he immediately gets in to the end zone. Great clock-eating drive ends in a touchdown, and Nantz dutifully gives credit to blocker Alan Faneca for blowing up two Broncos. 17-3, Steelers. Denver has less than two minutes to get something done before half.
4:21: Plummer's first pass is a lob and it is easily intercepted near the Denver 40 at the sideline by Ike Taylor. What in the world was he thinking?
4:22: Two runs by Willie Parker, and Pittsburgh is suddenly inside the 15. One minute left.
4:23: Bettis gains two. It looks like Cowher will try to run the clock out, even if they just get a field goal.
4:24: Touchdown Bettis! Oh no just kidding, Hines Ward penalized for illegal formation. Ugh. He was "covering up the tight end". Heh. The play was a quick handoff to Bettis, who was practically standing next to Roethlisberger, and he was virtually untouched.
4:26: Fifteen seconds left... Roethlisberger rolls out left, and tosses it to Hines Ward in the back of the end zone. The same arc as Plummer's INT; the difference? Ward was open. 24-3, Pittsburgh. Boy howdy. Is Frank Reich available to come off the Denver bench? By the way, Ken Whisenhunt better get a head coaching job within two years.
4:32: Plummer trots on to the field at his own 30 with three seconds left. Come on. If this Hail Mary works, I'll eat both empty beer cans.
4:32: It's a screen pass, and no dice. And I can finally hear the Denver fans: they're booing their team off the field into the locker room. Who would've thought that fans booed outside of Philadelphia? Time for a sandwich; back for the second half.